Conservatives in America control every lever of the federal government’s power, but they remain infuriated that they do not control the levers of culture and entertainment. Surely that cannot be because the type of entertainment they push is garbage no one wants to watch. No, it must be because the right studio, backed by the right multimillionaires, hasn’t come along. Enter Founders Films—ugh. Backed by high-level employees of Vice President JD Vance benefactor Peter Thiel’s Palantir Technologies, surely this will be the way that conservatives crack the entertainment market.
Do Palantir chief technology officer Shyam Sankar, early Palantir employee Ryan Podolsky, or investor Christian Garrett have any particular background that would make you want to give them money to run a studio? Not particularly, although Sankar is getting to play-act as a soldier, having been one of four tech executives that the Army invented a detachment for. Why? So that they could all pretend to be lieutenant colonels despite never having served a day. Shhh. No one tell Sankar, as he thinks it is real and did a wildly embarrassing piece about it for Bari Weiss’s Free Press for Eugenics Enthusiasts.
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So, what do these big brains have planned once they sucker some other multimillionaires out of their not-actually-hard-earned money? Such blockbuster ideas as “Operation: Pineapple Express” about the “botched withdrawal” from Afghanistan; a 9/11 movie celebrating “courage”; and a yet-unnamed flick about the 2020 assassination of top Iranian general Qasem Soleimani. Surely all of those will be blockbusters. Move over, Marvel!
There’s also a three-part adaptation of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” planned, because of course there is. Were the people demanding a new Ayn Rand trilogy? Couldn’t they just go watch the trilogy that came out like 15 years ago? Sure, the first part got mercilessly panned by critics, and the second part got mercilessly panned by critics, and the third part got mercilessly panned by critics. Actual moviegoers didn’t, well, actually go, particularly by the time Part III rolled around. But surely now America is ready for six to nine hours of Ayn Rand beamed into their eyeballs, right? Hopefully Founders Films will have better luck than the producers of the previous trilogy, who had to recall 100,000 DVDs because the jacket described Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged: as “a timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice,” and Randians 100% do not believe in self-sacrifice.
Perhaps Americans will rush to the cineplex to see some other Founders Films fixations, which will be “unafraid of offending Chinese audiences” and will use “American cultural power to spread skeptical views of the Chinese government.” Definitely what we are all looking for.
No matter how much money the Palantir dudes and their pals throw at this exercise, it’s likely just going to be Ben Shapiro’s The Daily Wire Studio 2.0. Did you know conservative gadfly Shapiro had a movie studio? Okay, be honest: Did you know Ben Shapiro had a movie studio because you were ever organically aware of one of his entertainment offerings, or only because of coverage of his failed attempts to break out of the right-wing ecosphere? Thought so.
Shapiro’s studio already offers what Founders Films promises: jingoistic trolling starring a combination of fading stars and people that the rest of Hollywood doesn’t want to work with because it’s weird when people keep yelling about wokeness when you’re just trying to do your job. Who could have predicted that “Terror on the Prairie,” a 2022 Daily Wire joint starring Gina Carano after she went full anti-vaxxer transphobe, would have flopped? Everyone, actually.
In the end, perhaps this isn’t such a bad thing. If conservatives want to light their money on fire by giving it to other millionaires to make bad, ham-handed movies that no one wants to watch, who are we to say no?